A friend called the other day to ask how things were and how the move to Tennessee was coming along. As I opened my mouth to answer from the other end of the line, my voice cracked as the tears began to fall… “I don’t even know right now”. And then, as if the surface had started to give way from the weight of it all, all of the doubt and fear came spilling out of me. The things that I fear saying out loud. The space between doubt and faith can be a wearing one and I am walking it as tall as I can.
In order to remind myself, I told my friend of signs that we continually receive, but how exhausting the obstacles are that they bring. Back in December when we decided this is what we wanted and we prayed for signs, Jarett lost two clients within the same week. Three weeks ago, when we handed over the keys to our home for the past six years, I fell into bed that night asking Jarett why we ever decided to do this. There we were, the seven of us officially without a home not even knowing where the next one would be, living with my mother and feeling completely displaced. “What were we thinking”, I asked out loud.
And within the next 24 hours? Jarett received a notice from his largest client that they would not be renewing their contract – budget reasons and they mailed over their official 60-day notice. Are we closing the doors on his business to rebuild out in Tennessee? Yes. Losing that much income our last month here in April? Hard. We talked openly about finances and getting things to work out for this move. Then, two of Jarett’s employees are out for two weeks at the same time with major illness and injury leaving Jarett covering shifts on top of other client work which has him gone for 17-19 hours of the day. Having less payroll to pay temporarily? A blessing. Juggling my business, homeschool and all of family life while living in someone else’s home without Jarett’s help? Utterly exhausting.
The ties and reasons for us to stay in Arizona are becoming nonexistent. The safety net of retreating and turning our back on what it is that we want is disappearing. And the fear of another “push” whenever I open my mouth to express doubt or concern? So very real at the moment. As I wiped my eyes I told my friend how hard it is to feel something so strong, to feel so inspired and to feel like something so big is just around the corner. There is something out in Tennessee waiting for us. I have no idea what it is, but I have to believe it because of what we have faced on the journey thus far.
However, doubt plays a hard game and as soon as we take a step forward, it feels as though we pull the card and have to go back three spaces. I started to apologize to my friend on the other line for spilling all of my current issues out on her because I was pretty certain she wasn’t expecting to hear any of it when she called simply to check in.
“Kara, this point is exactly when you know you have to keep going. This is what happens to anyone who has the courage to follow inspiration, faith and their dreams into unknown territory. The adversary and negative forces will do their damndest to pull you back into a place where you have to keep playing small. Because they don’t want you to know what you are capable of. What you are really made for.” The tears fell for several more minutes as I told her how much her words meant, how much I loved her and we hung up.
I don’t think I have spent more time on my knees than I have over this past two months. Being so incredibly aware of the hidden lessons and signs right now is an exhausting blessing. One that is building our testimony of faith as well as our stamina and grit. And that bigger picture? The life we have imagined for ourselves in Tennessee? It truly is the sweetest scene. One that I know I must experience before my days are numbered and be able to say we went after it. And if that space between doubt and faith is part of the journey, then I will continue to put my head down, gird up my loins and trust that it will be for my own good. That the lessons we learn along the way will be priceless ones that we carry with us and pass onto our children. That they can be inspired to never settle. And that their own life can be exactly what they want it to be.
I look forward to the day when I can write about what we find out in Tennessee that seems to be awaiting us. My hope is that when I look back on this season filled with struggle, lessons learned and blessings received that a smile will drape across my wearied face for it was all worth it in the end.