My Dearest Brooks,
It was 365 days ago that your father and I arrived at the hospital knowing that we would soon be meeting you. The 8 months and 2 weeks prior were more than I ever thought I could survive. It was the longest battle and I spent most of it feeling as if I was failing your father, brothers and sisters with being so completely depleted. Between the exhaustion, the pain, the gestational diabetes, the daily injections… it was so much and it took it’s toll. However, I knew the reward. I knew I would have you. And that was and always will be worth every battle wound and scar.
Your birth went nothing the way I had pictured it for you and I and the culmination of the entire 8 months, 2 weeks and almost 24 hours came to a head when they began prepping us for emergency surgery. I turned to the doctor with tears in my eyes and informed him that you would be our last. Looking back, I understand why he asked me three different times that night if I was sure, the last one being as I lay open on the surgical table. Your father kissed me on the forehead, I wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded yes.
Over the course of this past year you have filled our home with immense joy, excitement and the taste of heaven. It has been more than I could ever ask for. Which is why it’s so hard to experience the extreme sadness just on the other side of that joy. This year I have watched with both a soul filled to the brim with happiness and a completely broken heart as you gave us our lasts. And oh, how perfect you have made them.
I said goodbye to the feeling of life inside of me, of the prayers sent and wishes made while waiting. I said goodbye to that sweet newborn smell and the peace that comes with bringing a brand new babe home – the sprinkling of heaven falling on us constantly. I said goodbye to the tiniest of hands gripping my finger while lying in bed, drifting off to sleep. I said goodbye to locking eyes for the first time and smiles, to raspy giggles and feet that fit ever-so-perfectly in the palm of my hand. I said goodbye to sitting up for the first time, arms outstretched for me the first time and all the in-between. I said goodbye to so much and so much that my identity has been wrapped up in for the past twelve years.
But you know what? I would do it all again, a thousand times over including the pain of saying an entire year of goodbyes if it meant I could have you.
We are so incredibly blessed to have you, Brooks. You are loved beyond measure around here by our entire pack and not a day goes by that you don’t make life completely full of joy and every bit of good stuff. Thank you for the sweet spirit you have brought into our home. It is an honor to be your mother and while I have had to endure a year of goodbyes, I know watching you and your brothers and sisters over the years will fill the void that I feel today. And that our time spent with each other and as a family is the stuff of dreams.
With every piece of me and more,
birthday letter, motherhood, raising kids